I think I have finally gotten over the anger stage when it comes to Matthew’s autism. It has taken me 6 years to get here, but I have finally arrived. I used to be angry and hurt all the time, and it was exhausting. I just couldn’t live that way anymore, but it wasn’t that easy to simply put my anger away and be on with my life. I’ve had to do a ton of soul searching and a lot of change. That was the hardest part; making that change. I can’t exactly tell you how I did it, but it has been a conscience effort on my part to focus on making our family healthier, better and happier. I believe in God and I have to think to myself “how would God behave in this situation?” That always seems to help me pull myself back in and behave better, and to generate some peace.
I’m not sure I would be in this same place had we not started biomedical interventions and had Matthew not gotten significantly better. And he really has gotten significantly better. I think that his improvement allowed me to feel like we had a real shot at a real life as a family. Autism is so stressful. It hijacks your dreams and your everyday life and leaves you with this weird morphed thing that some of us, me included, just don’t know what to do with. I’ve had people give me the lecture that I just need to be happy for the child I have and be grateful he is alive, blah, blah, blah. But that never worked for me. I guess I’m not refined enough to get it because I wanted EVERYTHING for Matthew, not just what we had been given at that moment. I think that is why I have worked so hard to help him. I couldn’t accept that this was all. I’m so grateful for all those friends and doctors that have stepped up and helped us understand what was happening to Matthew, and to ourselves – because often we have similar illnesses.
This hasn’t been a quick fix, and of course it still isn’t completely “fixed” yet. We recently started working on bacteria, viruses and parasites, something we never looked at before. I hope this is “the” missing piece, but if it isn’t maybe it will at least bring us closer to overall health. I guess I have just gotten to the point where helping my son is so much more important than being angry and fighting. The anger is important. You need it to fuel you, to get you started, but it can consume you and you can’t let that happen. You have to change, you have to be willing to give it all up and release yourself. And when that happens your will transcend into yet another place autism is meant to take you. Well good luck and
About the Author
Maryann DellaRocco is the mother behind the blog Matthew’s Puzzle, which chronicles her journey into the world of autism and biomedical interventions. She is married and has three boys, her oldest is on the spectrum. Follow her on Twitter: @matthewspuzzle.