• May 14, 2013
  • Generation Rescue
  • 0
Embracing Change, Growth, and Soggy Books

It’s been a very hectic couple of months for me. Hectic good. Not the bad kind of hectic. You know, the kind where I plunk myself down on the bathroom floor in a heap of exhaustion and weep kind of hectic that used to be my status quo in my previous life as a mother of two daughters with autism. Thankfully, those days are long gone. 

A few months ago, I put my daughters Mei and Min Min on a new protocol with a new practitioner. It was a new direction from the other treatments that I had done previously. There were a lot of things I didn’t understand about the protocol and a lot of apprehension initially. But I wanted a change. I wasn’t going to see any changes if I didn’t step out of my comfort zone right? So, we embarked on this new, unknown protocol and embraced the change. After the initial period of detox and die-off, things started to settle down and the healing started. I was seeing change. Big changes.

Min Min grew 2 inches in 2 months and Mei grew 2 inches in 4 months! Both girls put on 3lbs each and they both went up a shoe size. I can’t describe just how wonderful it felt to finally see my daughters grow and put on weight. 

On another happy note, my book was recently published The Thinking Moms’ Revolution: Autism Beyond The Spectrum: Inspiring True Stories from Parents Fighting to Rescue Their Children. Nothing compared to holding that beautifully bound book in my hands. It’s almost right up there with the first time I held my newborn babies. Only this time, I wasn’t afraid of accidentally dropping the book, hah! 

I co-wrote the TMR Book with 23 of my friends. Leading up to printing, the Thinking Moms, and I went through several rounds of chapter redrafts, edits, cover design drafts, writing bios, sending off advanced copies and all the other last minute behind-the-scenes stuff that goes on just before a book goes to print. Sound exciting right? But reading my chapter again and again, looking for flaws, errors and mistakes was a lot harder than I imagined. Not just because English is my 2nd language and I usually make grammatical errors when translating in my head from Bahasa to English. But rather, it stirred up way too many memories that I would rather stay hidden safely away in that dark corner of my mind. 

Those paragraphs I wrote so long ago reminded me of the fear and chaos that was my every day life. I had conveniently “forgotten” the violent head-banging, terrifying screams and intense behaviours that was a constant feature in Mei and Min Min’s early years. It also brought forth intense feelings of grief, my failure and inadequacy as a mother. I chose to stuff away the years of unhappy moments, the despair and bleak isolation we lived in, buried in a deep dark corner of my mind.

I thought I had gotten over it, that I have come to peace with the ghosts of autism past. I thought I can finally move on from that dark cloak of being an autism mum and finally be comfortable in my new skin as a typical mum of 2 recovered children. Well, turns out, I was not quite over it just yet. So if you did notice any errors in my chapter, it wasn’t due to the editors (who did a great job, btw). I just couldn’t go through another read-through, it was far too painful. I had shed enough tears over autism.

Since the TMR Book was published, I have tried to read the book. Problem was, I couldn’t get through it without bawling my eyes out. I nearly ruined the hardcover with my tears, honest. I also purchased the ebook and downloaded it on my Kindle. Needless to say, I ended up with soggy Kindle. The TMR book is also in audio format, Audible.com used 24 different voices to narrate each of our chapters. I was intrigued to hear the voices of each chapter, I could imagine it was my friends sitting across from me with a cup of coffee and telling me their stories personally.  I listened to it on the long drives to and fro from the girls’ school. Another disaster. I usually arrived at the school gate with red-rimmed eyes, snotty-nosed and puffy faced, avoiding the curious looks from the teachers and other parents.

I am looking forward to the AutismOne/Generation Rescue Conference where I get to learn as well as hang out with my friends the Thinking Moms and Dads. Don’t forget to meet us at the TMR Book signing on Thursday, May 23, 2013!

I went to Cambodia recently (that’s a whole other story for another blog) and I climbed those steep temple steps with my hardcover book just so I could take a photo with it at Angkor Wat.

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